The Gareth Southgate TV documentary, ‘Changing the Game for Young Men’, called for the recruitment of older male mentors to support young men and boys who struggle to make their way, even to survive, in today’s troubled and uncertain world. But one huge resource for involving older men is being ignored: grandads.

Grandads are increasingly being drawn into practical care provision as families wrestle with the cost-of-living crisis which means parents are forced to work long hours and cannot afford childcare. These pressures can lead to relationship breakdown and the consequent absence of male role models in the family home.* But I believe that grandads can contribute much more than doing school pick-ups and basic looking after of their grandchildren. Their role can be quite different from, and complementary to, that of granny, who generally acts in more in loco parentis mode.

In researching** a book (‘Being Grandad’…an exploration of the gentle art of being a good grandad’) I have been thrilled to discover the maybe unexpected myriad joys and benefits for both grandad and grandchild derived from developing closer, more emotionally based relationships. For grandads it can open up a third age of man: a new lease of life with a renewed sense of purpose. A second chance saloon giving the opportunity to make amends for not being there when needed as a dad, maybe forced to work long hours as the sole bread-winner. For older grandads it can be payback time from ‘the lucky generation’ of Baby Boomers. Time to flee their inner Victor Meldrew.

For grandchildren, especially teenage boys, grandads can have time actively to listen to them non-judgementally. They can be ‘a friend’ in ways that parents cannot as they set boundaries and have a responsibility for their child’s education. The grandad/grandson relationship is looser, more open-ended. Grandad can draw on his experience of living through different phases of what it is to be a man, and to have somehow survived, and capitalise on this experience by demonstrating the sort of love and nurturing that can act as a bulwark against the filth encountered online and via social media in the so called ‘manosphere’. He can provide a warm and close-by alternative to the Tates of this world. A simpler, safer place where boys and young men can express themselves, start to define who they are, what they can and want to do as we as grandads give them a really good listening to, in real life. All in the context of generating reassuring feelings of continuity: bridging generational gaps, providing social glue, bringing the family together.

I’ve found that grandads ‘behaving badly’ can explore boundaries whoever sets them and seek to bend them a bit in ways that can generate feelings of freedom both for himself and his grandson. As one said: ‘Don’t have a fight with your parents just come and have chat with me’.

Grandads have mentioned to me being able in their advanced years to admit to and to demonstrate frailty and vulnerability. Not only can this be liberating for grandad, it also prompts empathy and maybe personal identification for the grandchild who is bound to be under pressures online and via social media to be perfect, without any blemishes. It shows that it’s OK to show emotion; for grandad to tear up. It’s doing what comes naturally, not as others dictate. It’s being able to be yourself.

But in all this it’s important to remember that grandads are not parents who have the responsibilities to set rules and boundaries for their children. In throwing themselves into new relationships with their grandchildren well intentioned people can come to grief by raising targets for their grandchildren, based on personal experience and success. Setting exam targets, career objectives, sports goals, and so on, can not only cause ructions with parents but also act against achieving the goal of being those who listen and support through thick and thin, maybe thin and thin.

A grandad will need to work hard to achieve a creative and productive relationship with his grandchildren. But this is a huge resource which is currently unexploited. The rewards can be great. And never more relevant than they are today. For everyone.

*Note: Source is research undertaken by lawyers Slater and Gordon in 2024

**Note. More than 20 in depth, free format, interviews have been conducted with a wide range of grandfathers, covering those highly involved, those necessarily less involved, and for some reason, with grandchildren of both sexes and with a range of ages. Also, grandchildren across age and sex.

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